Vampires' Night
by Y.F.C
Summary: What happens when Yuki is a yaoi fangirl, Zero hates her and Kaname's in love with Zero? Pure and utter madness, that's what. KXZ, parody, crack. Rated M for later chapters.


**Author's Note: **** Hello boys and girls! Today we give you a crack fic that has been like dancing through my head for the past couple of days. It's basically a parody of the actual Vampire Knight. Note this is crack, I repeat: CRACK and is not meant to be taken seriously in anyway. Enjoy! - Sky**

**Warnings: **** CRACK, parody, yaoi, cursing.**

**Disclaimer:** **Vampire Knight is not mine (but I wanna sink my fangs into Zero) we get no money from this. (Or Kaname)**

* * *

**Vampires' Night**

**1****st ****Night-**** The night**** in**** which we introduce the main characters.**

It was snowing. A little girl with long brown hair and red-brown eyes reached up to catch the melting snowflakes in a gloved hand.

"It's cold." she whispered.

_No shit._ It was a voice that would sometimes speak to her and tell her the wonders of boy on boy action. She liked to call it Bubbles.

_Pure white snow…_

"What is …'pure white'? What is … 'snow'?"

_You are a retarded little girl. Go home._

"What is…'retarded'?"

…_fuck my life._

"Little girl are you lost?" A tall man came out of frickin' nowhere, like seriously….what the hell?! He was wearing a cloak and had red eyes. He should get that checked out. I heard it's contagious. "Would you like to get in my conveniently placed van for some candy?" he pointed to the white van that had "FREE CANDY" spray painted in fluorescent pink.

_People who lie to little children about sweet candy, beasts that ravage your virgin body and- wait what are you doing?!_

The little girl stopped in her journey to the van.

"He said he had candy…" she began.

"Look are you going to get in the van or not? I got other children to rape- AHEM- I mean …give candy to."

Suddenly there was a spray of red and the little girl saw a figure covered in blood, throwing the pedophile's now limp body to the ground before casually licking the blood off of his fingers.

_That is…_

"Epic main character entrance bitches…" the man, with glowing red eyes and brown tresses murmured.

_A bishie! Ok, listen retard! Bishies are some of the most epic and graceful beings on earth!_

The man stared at the body before narrowing his eyes. "I killed a man didn't I?"

_They are honorable! Sophisticated! And excellent beings who shall do no wrong!_

Looking around his eyes finally fell on the little girl staring at him.

"...Tell no one and I'll touch your face."

The brown haired girl seemed to ponder on this. "Make it for life, and you got a deal."

_And best of all…_

"You drive a hard bargain girlfriend…deal." He leaned forward and touched her face, caressing it.

_They are perfect for yaois!_

* * *

_Some years later…_

"Hey! Accept your fate ladies! This is the truth!" Yuki Cross stood in front of the group of teenage girls with raging hormones and shouted, her back facing the Moon Dorm gates.

Yuki Cross was the prefect at Cross Academy, a school consisting of the Night class-vampires- and the Day class-normal pathetic humans. Main character number one. She was 'rescued' by Kaname at a young age and has an imaginary friend called Bubbles with whom she talks to about yaoi. Slightly retarded.

One particular nameless character stepped forward. She was wearing a white band around her forehead and held up a bright red flag that said: 'Vampire Knight Straight Fandom'

"Yuki, just because you're main character doesn't mean you can decide the sexual orientation of the Night Class! By introducing all of them as gay, you're crushing all the hopes and dreams of innocent girls watching this anime! The dream that one of them would sweep them into their arms and take them off into fantasy land…" All of the girls behind her nodded simultaneously. "And you of all people should be grateful! You either get paired off with Kaname or Zero, the two hot main characters of this series!"

Yuki shook her head furiously. They don't understand. They'll never understand.

"No, don't you guys see?! Don't tell me you never get the feeling of excitement when you imagine Zero and Kaname making out? Or making love?!" Some of the girls looked sheepishly at each other. "Kaname and Zero were MADE FOR EACH OTHER!"

At that exact moment the gates opened and Yuki sweatdropped when she realized the Night Class most likely heard everything she had said. She moved to the side and let them pass, blushing slightly.

The Night Class ignored Yuki completely. They all stepped out and began their graceful walk to class down the pathway dressed in their fine white Roman robes and brown strapped sandals. Gold jewelry decorated their arms and legs and jingled as they walked and pieces of green leaves stuck to their hair in perfect civic crowns besides Kaname Kuran whose brown locks were adorned with an actual gold crown.

Kaname Kuran, pureblood and sexy ass vampire as well as the leader of the Night Class. Main character number two. He accidently killed a man –who turned out to be the President of the United States of America– while wandering in a snow storm and to keep it a secret he made a deal with Yuki to touch her face at least once a day. He is infatuated with Zero Kiryuu and constantly attempts to seduce him.

"Ahhhh, they've gone Roman style today!" An exited girl called out before promptly fainting. Paramedics quickly took her to their parked van along with several others to be treated.

A cheerful blonde in the Night class wielded a bow and arrows shooting them into the hearts of many girls.

"I'm cupid dearies!" he exclaimed and shot another girl in her heart. Paramedics rolled in and took yet another girl away again muttering under their breaths. "They really don't pay us enough…"

"Aren't you hurting them Aidou?" Kain Akatsuki, a tall red head asked his cousin, not that he cared or anything.

"Only the ones that look at you," was the dark reply.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Meanwhile Kaname was trying to sneak past Yuki. But unfortunately, he failed.

"Kuran-sama!"

The pureblood stopped and cursed under his breath. Turning around he gave the prefect a tight-lipped smile. "Yes Yuki-chan?"

"You know what to do," she humphed folding her arms.

Sighing he leaned forward and caressed her face, running his fingers through her short wavy brown hair. To Kaname's delight a certain silver-haired perfect slapped his hand away. He liked it when Zero got rough.

"Zero!" Yuki stared at the teen, who was currently sporting the deep frown on his face.

Zero Kiryuu, prefect of Cross Academy and vampire hunter. Main character number three. He was turned into a vampire by a pureblood after his parents and younger twin abandoned him when said pureblood gave them tickets to Disney Land. He has held a grudge against vampires ever since. He hates Yuki and hopes to someday kill her when she least expects it.

_I can feel it Yuki! The sexual tension!_

"Not now Bubbles!"

Both males looked at her quizzically. "Oh….uh…continue?"

"Don't touch my prey!" he exclaimed, glaring at Kaname with bright purple eyes. He then turned to Yuki and shot at her a bullet which she dodged reflexively. Matrix style. Yuki gasped as the bullet flew past her torso, barely missing. She stood back up and laughed nervously.

"Ha ...ha it's a good thing that the Bloody Rose only affects vampires…right?"

"But I didn't use the Bloody Rose." Indeed Zero stood there with an actual gun pointed in her direction. He tucked it back in his pants and resumed glaring at the pureblood completely ignoring Yuki's existence …for now. Someday he'd kill that yaoi-loving bitch…someday…

Kaname was now hoisted up by Night Class members on a pedestal made of bamboo as half-naked girls fanned him with palm leaves. He held a bunch of green grapes while he sat with one leg up and the other lying in front of him.

"You sure are …scary." The pureblood wrapped his lips around a grape, twirled his tongue around the juicy fruit before plucking it off with this teeth. "Mr. Prefect." Everyone stared at him in utter awe, blood trickling from their noses, even the paramedics.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

"The patient is dying from loss of blood from the nose…"

"Let 'em die…"

Well everyone except for Kiryuu of course.

"Oi everyone! Get back in line! Night Class, get to class! Paramedics, for God's sake do your job!" he shouted.

"Awww come on Zero!" Yuki shouted while pointing to the arrogant pureblood on his pedestal, "You know you want all that finery!"

"Everyone does…" he whispered to himself as said pureblood fanned himself, in awe of his own attractiveness. Even in his vain moments, however, he did not miss the brief look of pain that flashed across Zero's face.

* * *

_Meanwhile right… HERE._

"…so because Kaname's in love with Zero, Zero hates my race-"

"Zero's racist?!"

"And you and Shiki are involved that only leaves Kain as an option for my love interest!"

Aidou Hanabusa smiled at Takuma Ichijou, the Vice-president of their dorms after just explaining why he was suddenly interested in his own cousin. Ichijou frowned.

"But you've always liked Kain…" The cheerful façade fell from Aidou's face at that.

"I-I know…for so long and it's obvious he doesn't like me back…" he said biting his bottom lip in frustration.

"That heartless bastard! Not taking into account your feelings!" Ichijou wrapped his arms around the saddened vampire.

"Uhh I'm right here you guys…" Kain said.

Ruka slammed her hand on the table where Aidou sat. "There is no way I'm letting you take the only man left available! I hardly get any screen time already!" she glared.

"Bitch do you want me scratch your eyes out?!" Aidou growled possessively.

"Still here…"

Kaname Kuran sat on a throne in the classroom resting his cheek in his palm while he listened to the other vampires quarrel. Ah…look at the moonshine. That's such a stupid word.

…

Moonshine.

His thoughts drifted to the picture of Zero and the pained look he had today. What was that? Was he jealous…of me? The pureblood frowned at that. He wanted Zero to be jealous of Yuki…or Ichijou for being so close to Kaname, because secretly he was in love with him but his pride prevented him from ever admitting it, then when his emotions took control of him they'd have sweet passionate vampire sex in his room. Woah. He read too much of Yuki's fanfictions.

Sighing to himself he turned his attention back to the vampires who were currently crowding around Ruka and Aidou, both of them engaged in a serious mud wrestling competition.

Just one day, he hoped, maybe those cliché fanfictions will come true.

"The moon is behind the clouds." he whispered. Everyone stopped what they were doing at turned to their leader.

He looked at them and allowed a small smile to play on his lips.

"It's time to party," he said in a sing-song voice.

* * *

_Meanwhile over… THERE._

"I refuse!" Zero slammed his hand on the Chairman's desk and glared at the man.

"B-But Zero-chaan! We need the money a-and Kaname-sama has agreed to give it to us if we do this! Besides Zero, being a stripper can be a wonderful and exciting experience!" the Chairman sighed as if remembering past experiences. That made Zero cringe.

Before he could speak again Yuki interrupted. "Chairman we shouldn't make Zero do something he doesn't want to!"

Zero looked at his prey, shocked. She cares? Turning away he frowned slightly. If she was backing him up maybe he could ease down on trying to kill her…

"So it's a good thing he secretly wants to strip for Kaname-senpai anyways!" She added cheerfully.

BAM!

"Agh! My arm is bleeding!"

"Yuki-chaaaan!"

"I am not going to strip for those filthy vampires!" And with that he stormed out of the room.

Chairman Cross sighed and leaned back in his chair. "My sweet-yet-retarded-daughter; our super special awesome plan isn't working…"

The brunette bit her lip, ignoring her bleeding arm. "I know my possibly-a-pedo-dad! Plan: Get Zero to fall in love with Kaname-senpai is failing."

_Yosh Yuki! It's time for Plan: Kaname out right advances upon Zero._

"Bubbles has spoken!" She ran to the window and looked back at the confused man, winking. "Don't worry Daddy; they'll get their happy ending!"

"Awww my daughter called me Daddy! Eh? Wait Yuki-chan don't-" Before he could warn her she jumped out of the window.

….

"AGH! FUCK! MY FUCKING LEGS! AHHHH I THINK THEY'RE BROKEN! WHY DID I DO THAT?! IT HURTS SO BAD!"

"Ah…I was going to tell her we were on the fourth floor…" Shrugging, Kaien sat down in his chair for a while. He then took up the phone and dialed a number.

Riiiiing. Click.

"Hello, Toga-chan? ... What are you wearing? … The pink one? Mmmm."

* * *

_Meanwhile in …THIS AREA._

"Go go go!" All Kaname Kuran could hear were the persistent cries of his vampires cheering him on as he stripped every article of Roman clothing from himself for them. This was how he partied! Pulling off the rest of his robe he sauntered out of the classroom and into the hall in nothing but his briefs, Takuma beside him and insisting he join in the stripping.

Yuki was patrolling the halls of the school looking for Kaname to inform him of the change in plans.

_It's a good thing you're a main character Yuki, your bleeding arm and broken legs healed real quick._

"I know right? I thought I was going to die!"

_I was hoping for it…_

"What?"

_Nothing! …. Wait! Yuki! My yaoi senses are tingling!_

Yuki gasped. "Yaoi? Where?"

No later as the words slipped out of her mouth Kaname and Takuma came around the corner, half-naked and giggling insistently.

"Oh my gosh the yaoi messiah hath descendeth its golden hand unto me!" Yuki said tears in her eyes and blood oozing from her nostrils.

_Jackpot Yuki! Eeeeeek!_

Kaname spotted the yaoi-fanatic and smiled. "Yuki, is the plan making progress?"

"Huh? Oh er…no it's failing terribly actually. Plan B is action, anytime you're ready Kaname-senpai!"

He nodded and there was a small silence after that.

"Kaname-senpai?"

"Yes Yuki-chan?"

"Why are you and Takuma-senpai half-naked?"

"Why not?" He quirked his eyebrow.

….

"Touché." Slowly Yuki held up her camera and took several pictures before running off cackling like a maniac.

"...What the fuck."

"Er…Yuki-chan is pretty interesting. There aren't any girls like her in the Night Class." Takuma said sweatdropping.

Kaname shuddered at the thought. "Thank God."

* * *

_Meanwhile-_

"Shut the fuck up!" Zero's voice was low and raspy as he felt familiar vampire urges overtake him, he clenched at his face, breath coming out in short pants and he tried to sustain the vampire inside of him. He was currently in the small forest on the school compounds, sitting on the ground and leaning back onto one of the many trees.

"N-No must…resist… urge …to party…"

* * *

_The next day…_

Yori watched the girl beside her as she slept and glared. The stupid bitch kept insisting they were friends, coming into class and sitting down next to her, talking something about yaoi and vampire parties. She was the main reason why Yori had no friends in the first fucking place. She silently thought of a way to get back at her. Suddenly the teacher's voice boomed through the classroom.

"Cross!"

Hah. She leaned forward and whispered in Yuki's ear. "Kain X Aidou?"

"I'd ship it!" Yuki got up and yelled out earning her strange looks from everyone else in the class. She pouted. "Oh come on, don't tell me you wouldn't ship that either, incest is hot!"

The teacher promptly snapped his fingers. "I agree with you girlfriend!"

Now everyone in the class stared at the teacher strangely except for Yuki who was nodding frantically.

"It's ok to be yaoi fan-boy sensei!"

Clearing his throat, the sensei continued to reprimand the prefect. "Why must you and Kiryuu always nap in my class? Is it really that boring?!"

"I'm sorry sensei but I just don't find math equations interesting at all!" She scratched her head nervously.

"Cross…this is an English class…"

She gasped. "But there's an "x" on the board!"

"That's a letter!"

Face-palming the teacher sighed. "Okay, I get you're just retarded but that doesn't explain Kiryuu."

Grinning Yuki looked over at the sleeping prefect. "Use your imagination sensei." Her teacher frowned. "Kaname and Zero. All. Night. Long." She wiggled her eyebrows at the sensei whose mouth was wide open.

"Fuh real girl?!"

Yori banged her head on the table. It was just her luck that her teacher was a fanboy.

"Fuh real!" Yuki replied.

_Haha, we wish._

For once Yuki ignored Bubbles. If it got her out of a detention it'd be as "fuh real" as he wanted it to be.

* * *

_OVER HEERRRREEEE!_

The silver-haired lay in the stables on a patch of hay, stirring when Lily, a white horse, nibbled on his hair. Opening his eyes he started to pet the horse, enjoying the feel of her mane through his fingers.

**What is wrong Zero-kun? **

Zero sighed and looked at Lily. "I don't know Lily…I just feel so alone sometimes…" The talking horse snorted at that.

**Maybe it's because you push everyone away like that Kaname person.**

"You don't know him like I do Lily," he narrowed his eyes, "He's a cruel and sadistic son-of-a-bitch."

**You don't know him at all Zero. It's not like you take time to get to know him…**

* * *

Yuki walked to the stables only to find Zero petting a horse and…talking to himself.

"Maybe it's because you push everyone away like that Kaname person." She heard Zero say in a high pitched voice.

"You don't know him like I do," he was back to his normal voice.

_What the fuck?!_

After a while Yuki decided she should intervene. "Zerooo! It's time to see your sexy ass pureblood boyfriend!~"

FWIP!

She made sure she dodged the flying knife this time.

* * *

_Later that day…_

"Oh. No! It would seem that a poor Day Class girl is wandering in the woods!" Yuki said loudly.

"You drugged me-mmmphhh!" She covered her mouth with her palm.

Taking out a knife Yuki cut the girl slightly on her leg.

"Mmmppghhh!"

"And she is also bleediiiiinnnngggg!"

Aidou sighed as he watched the scene before him. Why was he doing this again? Oh right. Because Kaname said to do it and Kaname runs the shit around here.

"Her blood looks sooo good," he said, inwardly blanching. He honestly didn't want to drink that girl's blood. He would prefer Kain's blood instead. Speaking of Kain the tall vampire was standing next to Aidou face-palming at the situation.

"I will protect. Her… with my. Life." The brown-haired prefect stood in front of the girl, staff in hand.

Okay seriously? How bad of actor can someone get?!

"Oooh Yuki I mean your blood." The blonde noble stepped forward robotically and took Yuki's hand piercing her wrists with his fangs.

"Oh no he bit me!"

In a flash Zero was there pointing the Bloody Rose at Aidou. "As much as I'd like to see her imminent death, the retard dies by MY hand."

Almost as soon as Zero was there Kaname followed. His acting was smooth, natural and graceful.

"Zero-kun please let's not resort to violence over this matter, your hands can be used for something much more…pleasurable." He practically purred.

"Tch, there's no way I'd fall for your tricks Kuran." He held down his Bloody Rose and glared at the pureblood.

"No tricks here Kiryuu-kun… just love." Kaname smiled when the prefect's amethyst eyes widened before becoming guarded again with his icy demeanor.

"Cut the bullshit Kuran!" Kaname had to stop himself from wincing at the way Zero said his name…so hateful. "Just take Aidou back and deal with this!"

"Who? Oh right. Aidou. Of course Kiryuu…" he said dryly. Well that was a failure.

He was just about to turn around and walk sullenly back to the vampire party when Zero grabbed his hand and stalked off angrily, surprising everyone.

_Yuki…did you get all of that?_

Yuki closed her camcorder. "Every last bit." She grinned and followed the two boys into the woods.

Aidou and Kain stood staring at each other before looking at the girl who had passed out in the middle of everything.

"Sooo…lunch?" The red head said licking his lips at the girl who was still bleeding. Aidou's cerulean eyes darted to his cousin, burning in jealousy. "No thanks," he walked away leaving the other noble staring after him.

* * *

_OVER THERRREEE!_

The pureblood just stayed there as Zero led him to a small bridge, reveling in the immense warmth of the other's hand. His precious Zero was holding hands with him! He wanted desperately to squeal in delight but he didn't want to say anything in fear of this moment ending. Then all of a sudden they stopped, Zero's back was facing him as he began to speak.

"I've wanted to do this...for a long time."

Was this a confession? Kaname's heart beat increased immediately.

"I'm not going to lie, I've argued with myself on whether or not to do this. But I've decided. I want…no need to do this with you." The pureblood opened his mouth to speak but found out he choked on his own words. The emotion in Zero's voice… He reached out to the other with a hand intended to comfort him.

"I'm going to kill you _now_." Kaname's hand froze.

….

Wait … wait… back the fuck up!

Sharply the hunter turned around, pointing the Bloody Rose at a stunned Kaname, with an equally stunned face.

"You aren't Yuki!"

"…." The pureblood deadpanned and sharply turned walking away, a dark aura surrounding him for the rest of the night.

* * *

_Bathroom time!_

Yuki blow dried her dark hair, obvious annoyance was radiating from her petite body. After intending to chase after Zero and Kaname she had gotten lost, and as a result most liking missed out on their yaoi smex.

_Don't worry we'll get them next time!_

She sighed at Bubbles' encouraging words. She hoped so. Through her musings she didn't notice the silver-haired prefect enter until there was the cold sensation of a gun being pointed to the back of her head. She managed to duck quickly just before he pulled the trigger and caused a huge crack in the bathroom mirror.

"Your games aren't funny anymore Zero!" she yelled angrily.

"If you weren't such a stupid bitch you'd realize I'm not playing games." He said calmly. He turned away from her and began to undress, slipping off his shirt.

She took time to stare at Zero's pale skin and noticed the lines and contours, remembering to mention them in some of her fanfictions. "Yeah well at least I don't talk to myself in the stables!" The hunter paused and turned towards her slowly. There was a murderous glint in his eyes and Yuki regretted mentioning that.

"Lily. Is. REAL."

"Ha ha ha …of course she is Zero-kun, I was just joking." She said even as Zero walked in the shower, slamming the shower door behind him.

_Zero's crazy as fuck._

Behind the shower door Zero's fangs extended as he sniffed his hand that carried Kaname's scent.

* * *

_In this PLACE!_

Takuma knocked politely before entering Kaname's room in his disheveled state. He and Shiki were tending to some very…interesting activities involving pocky before Yuki had appeared with a letter for Kaname. The blonde wanted nothing than to rip her to shreds for the interruption but Kaname-sama wouldn't like that. Wait, Kaname wouldn't have given a shit. Ugh, now he regretted not doing it.

"Kaname-sama," The blonde bowed deeply before handing the envelope to the moody pureblood who was currently staring out of the window, "A letter from Yuki."

Kaname stared at the envelope as if wanting to set it afire with his eyes, which Takuma was pretty sure he could do. He snatched the envelope eventually, saying a soft 'thank you'. With that Takuma was gone instantly back to Shiki's room.

With a single nail Kaname opened it and took out the 'letter' smiling when he realized it was a yaoi fanfiction involving him, Zero, and …chocolate. He chuckled. Every time a particular mission to get him and Zero together failed, she'd send him a fanfiction to bring up his hopes. Although he wasn't fond of touching her face every day he did appreciate her efforts.

Sighing he stared out of the window at the Sun dorms where he knew his love was and ignoring Takuma's lust-filled moans from the room not too far away…

* * *

**Author's Note: Ha ha ha… so should I continue? Or stop this madness? Let me know what you think in a review! REVIEW! Thanks for your support so far, although not a lot, it's still cherished by us all. xoxoxo - Sky**


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